Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Unit

Some call it their private, some their wee (or the repetitive version: wee-wee) and if you're a part of my call it


Male, Female, makes no difference, you're dealing with The Unit. While the fact that we also call the remote control to the TV a "unit" can be confusing, generally it's a closed case if one can at all decipher context.

In addition to the convenience of a unisex term, The Unit is ALL inclusive; encompassing but not limited to: the female internal organs (in addition to external), the source of all monthly irritability, and life for that matter, the place you're not allowed to kick Dad when you wrestle...all can be simplified as...The Unit.

You can imagine my amusement (or perhaps a more accurate term, immaturity) when the meeting I scribed for all afternoon was about classes and "units."

Really? To get that degree you need 78 UNITS? That sure is a lot. I can barely figure out having one. That's hardcore.

It takes 16 hours for one unit? Yikes.
I've got a lot to learn.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Another EH post

Ya know how there's that generalization about Mexican (or Italian) Catholic families going on for daaaaaaaays? Well, I no longer consider myself Catholic and am only 75% Mexican but...yea I got family for days. On Mother Theresa's side (really that's her name, I never said we weren't once Catholic) I'm one of approximately 50 cousins (translation: 50 primos). We sort of stopped counting after the 2nd cousins climbed to a whopping twenty five. And speaking of 25, being over that age and not having squeezed out a few...puts me behind. It's like I'm forever running the mile in a quarter-aged adult.

One of my spectacular primos is Cuz Tom. You've heard of him before, if you keep up on Blonde like you should, and know that he is nothing short of entertaining...and smart (ladies?). After some love-stemmed badgering, I got Cuz Tom to join good 'ol Eharm. If you rolled your eyes or even shook your head in a disapproving (or maybe just bewildered) manner, you really need to get in the net. It's no different from Facebook kids...just a more successful engine to hone your e-flirting skills and actually meet some legitimate young much would they pay me to promote for them? Something to think about. Anyway, Tommy and I have e-bonded over the EHarm and filled each other's inboxes with anecdotal notes on his current date adventures and of course wisdom from a veteran, uh that's me.

While Tom is chomping (at the bit) for a guest spot on B.S.S, for now I will continue considering his request and instead utilize my copy/paste feature to share our informative e-convos.

Some stats
"I have noticed that 75-80% of girls have 'Honesty and trustworthy' in what they are 'looking for.' I guess guys really are dicks. And almost 100% of girls use the 'How much personal space do you need' question in their set. What's the correct response here??? Do guys weekends count as personal space?"
"Yes. Most of you are. And the personal space question is a trick. They wanna make sure you don't have too much time away from them. The option 'I don't need that much' is good or a 'write-in' something like, 'I think balance of all the important things in life is key blah blah blah."
(The personal space thing will figure itself out. No need to have Tommy ruled out by some broad because he's an only child and likes watching football alone all-day-every-Sunday! She'll get used to it...and maybe even make herself useful by preparing a 7-layer dip for the occasion)

"My new favorite is that apparently Friday evening is the designated time for chicks to respond on Eharmony. After one communication a day the prior week I got nine last night."
"JJ* has a theory. On Friday nights chicks are at home wishing they were out with their boyfriend like all their other friends. I was forced to explain to him that I threw a wrench in his theory and was totally 'partying it up big time' on Friday nights during my EH stint. duh."

"BTW how many dates did you go on with JJ ? How many dates did you go on with any other matches?"
"I held my cards pretty close to my chest with JJ. I had just gotten out of an "IBD" stage (Intrigued by Douches) so typical, and wasn't used to someone so forward and nice. Post Date 1 the schedge went as follows:
D2: Allowed a P/U at my house. I was fairly certain he wouldn't murder me and dispose of my remains at that point. Oh and after dinner and a beer/bowling sesh he went in for the kiss. And achieved his goal.
D3: Casual date. More kissing.
D4: Post date attempt to get some sort of faint verbal commitment from me. No go.
D5: Suckered me into liking him. Post steak dinner at his apartment (clearly over the push the lettace around the plate phase), I finally could see what it'd be like to be with sitting on the couch watching Lopez Tonight sorta thang.
I called it dating after that. A total of 6 weeks in he got to be called my BF. Monumental for all involved. I had gone on about six first dates around that same time and can relate to how bombarding it can be! Lucky for me (as a lady that is) we don't have to shell out cash all the time like you fellas. We do however have higher chances of having to sit across the table from a total jerk-off for upwards of an hour, I suppose it all evens out. Had plans for a D2 with one of those dudes but cancelled since I had already decided he wasn't as great as JJ (aka Thursday night guy at the time) That was an easy one to fig out. My first round with EH I went on two dates with a guy; the first being awkward but a little fun and the second (a LOST finale date at my pad) concluding it was just indeed awkward. I mean, if we can't have a good time sitting on a corduroy couch watching the obviously best show on Television, chances of making the long hall are slim. I had another second date planned with a Season 1 EH match after a great wine bar date but lack of audible communication skills (that means not through text message) led me to nipping those plans in the bud."

*JJ- The boo's initials. I'll give you a hint: Both first and last name can be said with a Spanish accent (mission accomplished) You didn't really think I'd ever date a guy named "JJ." You know me better than that.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I'm kinda awkward

In the mere two weeks I've been on the job (the job with benies and a fabulous office space, that is) I've realized a few things. I'll keep all of the details confined to my "Reflective, get to know myself deeper" journal and simply say this...

I'm KINDA awkward

While I pride myself on having polished social skills (humor me) I have found that in a work setting, like a real work setting, I sorta struggle.
I can yuck it up all day with my fellow "assistant" level coworkers, but in conversation with the Steinbrenners of this place...this employee becomes awkwaaaaaaaaaard. It's as if I had sergeant-like parenting as a kid, leaving me intimidated by authority. So not the case. I mean, did YOU get to watch Melrose Place and Thirty Something at the age of nine? I think not.

Anyway, I become nervous that I'll say something inappropriate or idiotic (not that it's completely out of the realm of possibility) to my boss or others that share her professional standing.

In my awkwardness, for some reason beyond me, I continue to reference Larry David's hit (and what a hit it was) Seinfeld. It's like Dustin Hoffman's obsession with underwear from Kmart in Rain Man. Only my Kmart is a late 80's sitcom based on the life of a comedic Jew from New York. Not only do I verbally reference episodes of Seinfeld as if it's the norm that everyone else watches them over and over again on KTLA, but I also tap into these genius scenarios in the silence of my own head. Like right now as I write this blog (on "The Man's" time...and dime), I think about when George brags to Jerry about doing nothing at work all day, appearing busy only by acting pissed off. This behavior results in responses like, "You've been working too hard Costanza. You need some vacation time!" In my past job force years, non-office bound, I used to chalk this up to George's typical underachieving (since I'm totally besties with all the characters I know these quirks obvy). Today however, I might see the endless possibilities of getting away with personal tasks on company time. hmmm.

Alright, off to more productive filling out my absentee ballot and paying my gas bill online.