Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Some ANTI poetry

I feel like I'm the white (my bad, caucasian) girl in a movie of an entirely black (African American, although most aren't from Africa) cast. I'm the one who moved to the ghetto for Dad's job, which is never actually clarified. I just got home from school (it's work for me, but still a school nonetheless). I am lying in bed, put on some jams and started to write in my journal. I also took off my medium sized silver hoops and set them on my nightstand so I could lie my head down on the pillow comfortably. It's been a long day. Are you starting to feel the scene yet? Hopefully you are picturing Kristen Dunst or Julia Stiles right now. I'm feeling inspired, might have something to do with the delicious peach salsa I just ate, probably not though.
So here's a little ditty I just word vommited onto the pages of my journal. I call it my (Anti) Poetry. After the horrific experience of receiving corny poetry (rhyming in fact) from a high school bf, I cannot bring myself to have anything to do with the P word. So I give Anti Poetry:

GIVE ME a life of complexity not complication
GIVE ME the joy of simplicity without becoming simple
MAKE ME lovely without the possesion of a Love
KEEP ME safe but not too safe
PROTECT ME without keeping me from what has the potential to make me strong
PLACE ME in good company even when I'm alone
GIVE ME adventure and an adventurer, a rescuer
KEEP ME alert yet let the element of surprise remain
USE ME for my gifts without robbing me blindly of them
SHOW ME your insides, what keeps you at will, at ease, at attention
HURT ME just a little, so we both know I care
GIVE ME the room to breathe, to laugh, to stand still comfortably
TEACH ME to shed tears in your presence without fear or hesitation
LET ME see you exposed, utterly alone and drained of entertainment
TEACH ME all the possibilities

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Taaaaaaaaaake it easy Miss Morgan

I love how in life we come into contact with people that are so different from us. Some we cannot stand to be in the same room with (they make my top 5 in the car game "Name 5 people you don't like...I made it up) On the other hand, it can be a beautiful thing to have a friendship with someone who is so opposite of you that you wonder how you even find your lives intertwining.

The biggest blessings in my life are my dear friends. One of those fabulous femmes is a little (little in size, big in heart) friend of mine, Ms. Green. You've heard of her before, see "Sometimes it's just a Yoga Mat" for a quick brush up! Every time I spend time with her I observe her, and since I'm the queen of externally processing, end up telling her about my observations. This might include, "I noticed you put all your Tupperware lids in their own drawer" or maybe something like "How come you sprayed one cookie sheet with PAM and not the other?" I observe her often because her preciseness and careful actions intrigue me. Although I try not to be a total spaz (only about 90%), I often do things extremely quickly. Ms Green however, does things slowly and carefully. She probably doesn't burn cookies (or herself on the oven) or forget laundry in the dryer, leaving it wrinkled and damp. Every time we hang out I find that I can take something from Ms Green. Not like rob her...try to be more careful and methodical like her. We catch up after long periods of time not seeing one another and her stories and reactions to mine are always thoughtful.
My stories however tend to be bullet points...quick and to the point generally including work, boys, fam and somemore work. I probably won't ever have a tupper ware lid drawer but maybe somedayI'll be a little more like Ms Green.

When I taught Kindergarten I had an aide in my classroom, Miss Terra. Miss Terra is dear to my heart and is probably one of the most hysterical people I've ever met. When I'd be in a fit of hyper-ness or just acting my crazy self she'd say, "Taaaaaaaaake it easy Miss Morgan!" over and over again. I try to think of her voice when I get too riled....just gotta take it easy and remember not to do things so quickly!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Eating bugs

For some reason the word FEAR has come up in an oddly frequent way the last two days. Some of the conversations that the "F-word" has been a part of include (but are NOT limited to): a deep convo with a friend about what can keep us from diving (or flailing I suppose) into life...Fear, an episode of Fear Factor (I work with junior highers who like the idea of people eating tape worms covered in mud, naturally this show comes up), and overcoming the F-word's ability to keep me from surfing in surf-sational San Diego! And there was a lot more where that eFfen came from!

I got to thinking today...When I taught Kindergarten (the cute little banchies who thought I was queen of the universe, I loved my job), I would have them line up for recess and they were not allowed to leave the room to head for the playground unless I was in front of them, leading the way. They were okay with it since I'd lead them while singing songs like "I like to move it, move it..." and dancing like a freakazoid. However, the mere 6 stairs and two tether ball courts kept me from letting them run ahead without supervision. In fact those that did were excused to play last...harsh. There was a huge fear that if I let them run ahead there would be consequences. 1) My insane Micro-Manager (I mean Principal) would probably implode and 2) More importantly, something would happen to one of the babes and I would be responsible.

Today and every other day my junior high kids are excused to break (not recess, get it right) and although it's not even my responsibility to make sure I'm outside to watch them, I feel a sudden fear that something will happen to one of them and there wouldn't be a teacher there to do whatever it is a teacher could do in a given situation. Today specifically I wasn't going to go out to break, I would stay inside to pay the overdue Cox bill over the phone (gotta make sure that TIVO is up and runnin) and other fun adult things like that. I had to talk myself out of running ahead of the kiddos (like I do daily) in order to not only avoid being a total weirdo, but also to let go...of the FEAR!

I could never be a Fear Factor contestant, that's for certain. It is such an art...not eating bugs, but letting go of things that we put ourselves in bondage to in the name of FEAR. F that!

Friday, May 15, 2009


Today is the day my fam and I (including the Bride of course) head up to the site and will attempt to relax. Rehearsal dinner done, tomorrow is the big day. I always think it's so cliche when people call it that. I picture a nerdy guy with huge glasses or a really old grandma with a squeaky voice saying "Are you excited for the BIG DAY?" Then both push their glasses up so that they aren't falling down their noses anymore. Somehow I find myself saying it anyway, it's all the rage.

After checking tan and dental appointment off my list I was in the OC...waiting. Waiting for the MOB (Mother of Bride) to get finish getting ready, hopefully without hurting herself or anyone else in the household i.e me and the dogs. I escaped to get us some lunch, maybe a taco would help? In a fit of thinking ahead (all new to me) I hit Rite Aid to purchase some sleep-aids for the fam (possible Friday night jitters on the agenda) and Excedrin Migraine for me (I can't begin to embark on the possible reasons those might be handy). I purchased a disposable camera, two for the price of one and bought some Trident, no ones gnar breath when you're talking to 300 of your closest friends. We ate, drank and got ready to get married on the party bus up to the rehearsal. I've never had a stewardess on a bus's to new experiences. I gave an "anecdote" at the dinner (Dad pinched me until I stood up and grabbed for the mic). Little bit of tears, the kind that fill your eyes and make your voice shake but don't necessarily leave your eye ball, and some big laughs...that's what I was mostly goin for. Time to breathe after that, and grab a much needed third glass of wine.

Today my mind is occupied with Saturday's speech...and getting the MOB out the door and into the family SUV without any crying. I love a good challenge. I guess hanging out in Dad's garage office being "bloggy" isn't as helpful as I could be! I had my entire 4 page toast written out and where it is now? Oh yes, in my planner, on my desk in San Diego, Ca. Awesome. That's what happens when I switch from my thrown around the body purse to a feminine, more wedding activities appropriate clutch! I take out the big "unnecessary" things and then don't have what I desperately need. A re-write, hopefully better than the first, will take place this afternoon, poolside. Note: When I have children I'm going to have a human size baby bag I think...somehow I'll have to fit diapers and binkies in with all of my own crap? Are ya kidding me? Where's my pepper spray and stupidly big box of Altoids going to go?

Off to "get her to the church on time" ;)

Blonde Bridesmaid

Note for those that care: Date #2 with the Car Door Opener... I think the man went from what I thought might be "Awww, how cute, first date nervous" to... "Okay, now you're bordering awkward." Stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A rendezvous recap

Feeling much better today about a few things. First, at the end of the work day yesterday i was pretty much certain that my kiddos would be failing the current huge project they're working on. Today, with a styrophome (go green) cup of coffee in hand, I was not only able to finish up the biggest part of the project with them, but able to help everyone out with their photo shoot portion (thanks to the 'ol Box o fun Costume box) and dance a little with my two favorite middle schoolers. They think I'm crazy. I'm okay with it. Now I can leave for Sister's wedding and not feel like it's the end of the world back at work! Second, date #1 down.

A rendezvous recap:
I had to push the time back a half hour, so not to rush my gal time. I took a survey of my 4 besties, very intelligent women of course, and asking him to pick me up at 8:30 instead of 8:00 was perfectly okay. So I went with their opinion, being that I know close to nothing about dating...and hate the process. He called right on time, 7:00, to get directions to my humble abode. After two dishes with the gals (One being risotto, the other being us dishing about our lives) I went home to quickly do a few things.

1. fix the couch cushions
2. touch up my make up
3. change into the already decided by the gals, outfit
4. Hairspray the 'do that my Steffy did for me...she's going to be the best mom ever someday :)
5. Pray that I wasn't obviously nervous (praying I wasn't nervous at all would just be ridiculous)
6. Put on deodorant
7. Put dishes away at T-2 minutes to stay busy and not go nuts...or decide against the whole thing and change into pajamas.

Imagine...what if in avoidance of possible awkward-ability, I shut all the blinds, turned the porch light off and just went to bed instead? That would be a terribly rude thing to do but I have to admit there are times when this mind of mine goes to places like this! I usually don't give into the mean-spirited ideas, but am not afraid to play with them just a little bit.

Of course I didn't do this, already had done my hair anyway, might as well put it to good use, being that it's so very rare. Door bell rang, "How are You's" flew, and we walked to his car where he would open the door for me: 5 points. I try to give points out for actions like this, on a 30 point scale of course, depending on length of date, a 40-50 point scale is sometimes more appropriate. All bueno. Dinner was part of the package, and he paid. You'd think these two small details would be no-brainers, but sometimes you just don't know what's going to go down here in ManDiego! Gotta be prepared as a single lady. Everything checks out. Upon his request, we will be watching the "Lost" season finale this evening. Two hours on a couch, my roomie chillin too, less "datey" scene, hoping for a little more natural interaction. I know I'll be less nervous, especially since I plan on being in flannel footed pajamas. Kidding. I'm not sure of the verdict quite yet.

Stay tuned, I know I will.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Please mind the gap...

...between now and the last blog. Trust me I've wanted nothing more than to share my thoughts and recent observations. My journal (the unedited and even more personal version of my blog) has gotten a lot more action lately! My bad. So yes I've still been writing, helpful to keep some form of sanity and YES I've missed all of my blogtastic readers!

Got a lot going on in my head and my heart right about now...I feel compelled to go on and on about the last three weeks of life occurrences, but I generally try to refrain from a "keep updated on my life" blog and stick to more of a "huh? that's kinda funny" type of blog. As solely a means of showing how incredibly crazy life has been, I'll give you a brief run down in bullet point form:

1. Cinco de Mayo=White people drinking Margaritas...PB...eery feeling it's 2007 again (my crazy year which included a lot of PB, and I don't mean peanut butter)...seeing one of the old "P4" and having fun (actually not fun at all, more eye opening) interaction...riding bike to work the next morning due to good decision to leave car in parking lot down by the bay!
2. Sister's wedding is here! As I sit down to write out my MOH speech, I sweat and my neck breaks out in hives...lookin' forward to speaking in front of 300 people.
3. I've probably worked harder in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 5 months at my job. Got the kiddos workin' hard on end of the year projects, which means me holding 8 hands and walking them through all of it...and typing their stories so that it doesn't take an eternity! Just gave one child our institution's version of detention, don't be disrespectin' miss Blonde Story Short my friend! You will be picking up trash at lunch time!
4. I bought a beach cruiser, oh happy day! Thirty dolla dolla bills on craigslist. No worries, I checked it all out before I went alone to purchase, was not a middle aged perv...Mom didn't have to worry.
5. Got a little datey date tonight. Running through my mind currently: Let's see, I told him my day ended at 7:30, he offered to pick me up at 8 or 8:30, I said 8 would work. We're going to a place that serves food and drinks.My commitment before, that leads me to be unavailable until 7:30, is din with my gals...wouldn't miss it for the world of course. Plus who will help me pick out an outfit if not them! Anyway, back to my wonderment... Should I eat with my gals first? Is this a dinner date? How weird is it to say, "Hey, uh lookin' forward to the ol hang out sesh tonight...should I plan on you buying me some food? Should I eat dinner before? Also, are you going to be paying ? Cuz my account is 'bout to be overdrawn, so if you're not going to get that bill, I'll go ahead and whip something up before you come get me!" Probably gonna just play it by ear. I guess I'm more of a planner than I give myself credit for.
6. I'm exhausted. I gotta somehow fit in a pedicure, spray tan (weather is not helping out my Caucasian-ness) and dentist appointment before the wedding event of the century! I figure at least if I'm tan, white teethed and polished the guests will be less likely to hate my toast! Got my work cut out for me here at school and can't stop my mind long enough to fall asleep at night! I feel like a crack head! Thank you Tylenol PM for your faithfulness to helping me pass out, even though it makes me a stoner in the morning!
7. I have an amazing poem I'll soon post. I didn't write it...that would have made me sound super conceited! Anyway, I'm thinking of reading it along with my speech, vamos a ver. Stay'll inspire you.

Nothin but love,
A very busy Blonde

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

it doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.