My Disclaimer: Don't read this unless you are a female.
So I had to have a yearly exam (as all females should, shame on you if you don't!) and as most of you know that includes being felt up and a little bit invaded by your doctor. What the procedure really entails I'm sure you've figured out for yourself already...so I won't go there.
A minor detail in this story is that I had to go to good 'ol "PP" (Planned Parenthood, we don't say the full name, it's embarrasing) because I currently don't have health insurance. Don't judge me. AnyHOO, no pun intended, the crowd was quite interesting in the waiting room...especially because this particular "PP" is located in "PB", a beachy area in San Diego which inhabits many peculiar folk...
A bestie came along for the entertainment of it all. As we observed the waiting room community we laughed about some good stuff: 1) the girl wearing "Apple Bottom Jeans" (really too bad she was missing the boots with da fur), 2) the few males in the room who were a little uncomfortable it seemed...most likely there to get a standard STD test and 3)the intellectual girl who has no idea that her coverage doesn't work at Planned Parenthood. Bestie whispers, "Clearly she doesn't know how insurance works." I slyly respond, "Ya gotta tell 'em you don't have any to get the free paps! She's obviously a newbee." Learn the system girlfriend!
My name is called and a 40 something cholita takes me into a small, secret room. We discuss my personal life and she offers me condoms and the morning after pill (Politically Correct name for it: Plan B). Ummmm, I'm gonna pass. Thanks though. Maybe next time. She weighs me (no details necessary here) and takes my blood preassure. During all this I can't help but be distracted, staring at the poster in front of me picturing and labeling the many parts of the male anatomy...parts I didn't even know had names that long! Ok, done with this portion.
Now I get to wait for about an eternity for the nurse to come do my exam. For those of you that haven't done this in a while, let me remind you it is not an exam you can prepare for! Yi Yi Yi Yi! I'd appreciate them at least warming those instruments up a bit! And just tell me I'm gonna feel some pain ..not "pressure." I'm not sure if PP Nurse Kelly is an ammature at giving the pappies or what, but she's not all that precise about it. She has to readjust the instrument (and by instrument I mean the cold metal crank) a few times, leaving me a little concerned and really feeling the "pressure." I try to focus on the peaceful meadow magazine page on the ceiling above me but couldn't help but notice what was goin on under my paper skirt. Without meaning to, I shreak, "Ouch!" Now I have to make her aware of the fact that she is not doing a very good job by saying,"That's pinching me!" Nurse Kelly responds in a friendly manner, "Oh I'm sorry. I have to keep readjusting, looks like your cervix is hiding." Really? Of all the things you could say to reassure me you know what you're doing, you decide to personify my cervix. Please don't use personification when discussing my cervix.
This lovely appointment is over. I put my clothes back on, decline more condoms, leave without paying a dime (gotta love the government), and wave goodbye to Apple Bottom Jeans. Lovely PP encounter as always.
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