Blonde Story Short

"I just want to get to the point where I can be in pajamas, without make up, cuddling on the couch...and farting if I need to." In a discussion about this evening's date, I expressed this deep desire to one of my brilliant man-friends. Then I learned something. His response: "I'm sure he feels the same way...He definitely wants to fart on or around you." Yea. OK .

Some get excited when they go to The Home Depot. New projects, the smell of wood, helpful men in aprons... I however believe that The Home Depot is a little peice of carpenter themed hell (let the irony simmer for a few). Home Depot in my opinion equals two of my least favorite things: feeling ignorant and splinters. I find myself walking around mumbling,"Hi I'm looking to mount something." Hmmm says the handy orange and denim wearing dad. I now wait in line to purchase my something "Gage wire"??? I also have been navigating the warehouse with the remainder of the ply wood spilling over every end of my cart, lookin like I'm in the know about such things of course. I think the confused look on my face along with my houndstooth scarf blew my cover. The jig is up I have no frigen clue what I'm doing here.

"Jack of all trades, master of none." You've heard this before. I like to think of myself as a master of some ...just mostly the ones that don't really matter that much. One of my "masteries" that I've written about often is that of being a bridesmaid. You know how I feel about that "always a bridesmaid..." saying. Don't you even complete the sentence in your head! I have been a bridesmaid more than a handful of times. In fact I have an extensive collection of spring hued dresses in my hallway coat closet. I'd love to write some books one day...lots and lots of books. One of them will be of this very theme, how to be a bridesmaid. I'll address everything from watching out for flirting married groomsmen to being on time for all 10 of the bridal showers (a work in progress for even the best of us). This particular post is an excerpt from the shower chapter of the future best-seller ;) Not shower like that thing I do twice a week, whi...

I like to flippantly look through my "Eharm" matches, sort of like casually browsing an US Weekly. I don't spend a lot of time (mostly due to not having it) reading every word, studying every picture and on and on. I'm really just looking for the quick facts and only paying close attention to things that catch my eye. In the magazine this might be an Oscars' fashion centerfold, on the Eharm this could be "Height 6'5"under the basic info portion. For me, there are two options after a quick scan of a profe...to close or to go forward with that first round of significantly deep questions. So I guess it comes down to I either don't care to ever meet you OR I'm interested in knowing how often you find yourself laughing a) You crack yourself up b) You laugh often but get serious when you need to...I think you get the picture here. After a fierce talking-to from one of my parentals, I try really hard not to be "too harsh." It's a go...

I should say "in the LEAST cynical way," but it just didn't catch me as much as my grammatically incorrect title written above. It's coming out tonight...The big "C" in me, which by the way, I always initially spell with an "S." The fact that I write this word often enough to have a habit related to it is probably an unfortunate sign, or perhaps one that means I'm super reflective and honest about who I am??? No, it definitely just means I'm a cynic. Damn it. I can't help but write (and put out into the world) something on tonight's current event...and a "status update" on Facebook would just not do the trick. For those of you that followed "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" this season, you'll have at least a faint idea of what I'm talking about. For those of you that did not follow, you're WELCOME for giving you this useful and critical opinion on the whole thing...an opinion which I encourage ...

The events that occur when you use an umbrella today... are the same that occurred when you were a child. First you pick it up and shake it, watching the water from the last outing fall onto the ground, for some reason being sort of entertained by the whole thing. Second, you cringe and push from the bottom up, anticipating your right thumb being pinched by the cold metal. Once it's up and clasped, or so you think, you slightly cringe as the wind picks up, in new found anticipation of this shield above your dry head violently turning inside-out. Inevitably it happens leaving you in a frantic attempt to pull it back into it's original form. As you take 2 minutes too long to find and pull out your keys to enter either your vehicle or home, the clasp which was seemingly secure at the top of the prop, now gives and allows the peice to slip half way down the pole, with a now folded miniature tent coming down onto your head. You should find that it is difficult to push it back up, s...

you gotta bend the rules...live on the edge...shake things up...stop at Starbucks even though you're running late. It was one of those wild days with all the bending, living, shaking, and stopping. I find that when my week is wild, I must be the yin to its yang, planning accordingly, thinking ahead, all those totally unnatural, inorganic things. For starters, my electricity was shut off for 3 days, not because I forgot to pay the bill, but because my landlord is in fact a drug lord...one that does things that make no sense whatsoever and make you wonder, "Is she on DRUGS!?!" The answer is Yes. Yes she is on drugs. It happens to be one of those situations where in a "let me share my wisdom with you" sorta tone you explain out loud, "Ya know...ya just gotta pick your battles sometimes." With our apartment building being converted into condos, there is much to do, at least for Bob and George the maintenance men. Drug lord thinks it is acceptable to tur...